Head Congestion

ImageIt’s been a long time since I’ve blogged…multiple reasons have kept me from sharing thoughts, recipes and the like – none of which I’ll bore you with.  In this world of online media and social sites, so much information exists at our fingertips.  What a change from 20 years ago!  

20 years ago, I was 15.  Obsessed with boys, body image and finding out who I was to become.  I grew up in New Mexico.  It’s funny to me now, because the smaller towns we lived in, I loved.  The moment we moved to a city, I was devastated.  By the time I was 15, I had met all kinds of creeps I never encountered as a kid in the smaller towns.  It weighed me down and I always missed those close bonds I had with the kids I grew up with on my block.  I fit in with most groups, but never chose to immerse myself in any of those friendships, rather I was quite nomadic with my activities and people I hung around.

Fast forward 20 years and I’ve not changed much.  My boy obsession is over, unless you count my sexy husband and sweet “baby” boy (he’s nine).  Body image issues? Yes, they’re there.  And I’m still trying to find out who I am going to become.  It keeps me up at night knowing I’ve only done accomplished a handful of goals that my 15 year old self had.  

There is no pity party here though.  It’s November, the month of gratitude, which also happens to be my birth month.  I say the month of November is gratitude month, as my news feed is like Noah’s Ark with everyone’s grateful thoughts of the day filling the Earth my mind like the 40 days of rain.  It’s overflowing and I love it!  I wish every day was like this.  To read such thoughts of positive wonderfulness!   It’s quite shiny and clean.  None of the normal negative Nancy bullshit I usually see.  Yes there’s a scrooge or two in there.  One guy posted:  “I’m not impressed by your kid’s pumpkin carving.”  Well fuck you asshole!  Don’t look at it then.  I found it rather annoying, since this person is the father of two…nasty divorce, does not have custody of his kids.  But then Noah’s Ark came crashing through my head, swaying back and forth in the flood of wonderfulness, I thought to myself…I shouldn’t be so quick to judge.  Perhaps this person’s shitty comment was out of hurt.  I mean, if I couldn’t carve pumpkins with my kids, I might be a little bitter too.  

You may be wondering what the title of my post has to do with all this jibber jabber I’m feeding you.  Head Congestion.  No, I don’t have a head cold and hopped up on dayquil (I much prefer the fall beer brew I’ve been sipping).  Rather, my head is congested with thoughts, wonderment, chaos, concern, love – you name it…it’s probably in my head.  All this head congestion has really taken it’s toll on my ability to write.  I start questioning my validity as a writer, a wife, a mom, a fitness enthusiast, a chef, a professional, my ability to have more children, get back to school… Yeah there’s some wacky stuff up in my brain.  Perhaps I need to rename this post right now, Insane in the Membrane.  

Well whatever it is I’m experiencing right now, I am most confident that there are a ton of others out there feeling the way I do.  I’m lost, how about you?  I will find my way.  Until I do, I’m going to keep doing what I do best, being me…A mother, a wife, a soulful bright person.  

Happy November folks!  

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