Changing It Up!

ImageThe news is sad.  It reminds me of why I cut cable out in the first place.  But news pops up online too.  Or, if in the off chance you don’t get online, you are still most likely to have personal contacts that inform you of the days events in the country and the world we live in.

What a change it is to be a child in this world today versus thirty some years ago…  While I love technology, advances and the real world – I can’t help but think that my world a couple of decades ago was so much simpler.  What I wouldn’t to do to shield my children from all that is reality today.  But it seems, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a small town or city, ugliness, violence, corruptness – it exists EVERYWHERE!  But I have a choice.  I can continue to show my children the beauty that exists despite all that we loathe about the world we live in.  I can teach my children that they are the masters of their own destiny (to a point). 

After my experience last month, with the passing of a family member that I had such a close connection to… I can no longer just exist in this “human experience.”  I want to live it to my fullest.  I don’t know what that means exactly right now, but I do know there’s too much negative out there and it WILL NOT be a part of MY LIFE.  This declaration comes with many repercussions.  This I know, I feel at this brave moment, I’m ready except what may come, but I know I’m being a wee bit naïve. 

So this blog will take a turn.  My purpose will continue to be life’s adventures, but I’m making a commitment to me & my family to embrace each day.  When I am able, I’ll tell you about my grandmothers passing.  Right now, it’s still too raw.  In time, I’ll tell you about my departure from the city that I know, the family life I know.  Again, right now, it’s too raw and I’m in the thick of it.  In time I’ll tell you what I’ve done to change my life, and why it had to change… Yep, you guessed it, RAW…  What I’d like, what I hope, is to find readers that can relate and share their stories too.  Community helps create faith, inspiration, and self love… what more could we all ask for? 

While I know not everyone is into my music…. I offer up some great lyrics.  If you don’t listen to the song, read the lyrics:

FIND MY WAY

Lord my path has gone astray
I’m just trying to find my way
Wandered here from far away
I’m just trying to find my way

You were never meant to see
All those things inside of me
Now that you have gone away
I’m just trying to find my way

I have made a great mistake
Pray the Lord my soul to take
The ghosts of who I used to be
I can feel them come for me
Looks as though they’re here to stay
I’m just trying to find my way

Please
I never meant to
I never meant for this

I have been to every place
I have been to everywhere
I’m just trying to find my way
Oh dear Lord hear my prayer

30 Days of New – #9 – …..

Violet_sunset_by_00AngelicDevil00Continuing on the path of 30 Days of New… #9 is the most painful and most enlightening thing I’ve experienced.  Ever the girl with the glass half full, I sought the positive out of that all time low.  Aside from the birth of my two beautiful children, this experience rocked my world… So I’m thinking this is pretty much #9 – #30 and we’ll just move on from there.

If you read my last post almost two weeks ago, I was praying for the chance to be with grandmother here, on this plane, on Earth.  Well blogosphere, I got my wish.  She was here, but she was also gone.  That Friday night will forever remain in my memory.  When I walked in, only a faint light from the hallway shined in the bedroom as I whispered in her ear and her bright blue eyes surprised me as they popped open.  You see, she tried to talk to me when I first arrived that today.  “It seems, awfully, awfully, awfully…”  Those were the last words grandmother ever spoke.  She spoke those words to me.  I wish like crazy she could have completed that sentence.  I’m grateful that just two days earlier I popped in to give her a hug and kiss while she could still communicate.

In a matter of twelve hours, this woman that I adored was alive and well – and then it all changed.  I spent that Friday and Saturday keeping the company of my mother, drinking in all the information the hospice nurses were giving us, and generally in shock.  At 4:08 AM on Sunday March 9th, mother texted.  The time had come and I headed back up to that house that has, “a driveway that reaches the heavens.”  This is what the hospice nurse who pronounced grandmother’s passing said to the men coming from the funeral home,  where to look for mom and dad’s home.  It was a fitting description for the occasion.

I’m grateful, where I’ve been bitter for so many years.  Grandmother stepped up in my life in a huge way.  When I couldn’t turn to parents or friends, she was there.  And she was there well into my thirties.  How lucky am I?  In her passing, I feel as if I’ve found my true calling, and it’s so far from the petty money making business I’ve been in post college.  I’m so excited to turn my back on that life and open a new chapter in my life.  When I get there, this new chapter, I know grandmother will be smiling down upon me.  I know she will be proud of me.  I know she’ll have realized that without her, I might lack the motivation and drive to take on this new challenge, that will ultimately be a gift to me and my family.

If that experience weren’t enough to fill my 30 Days of New, as I experienced so many firsts in the epiphanypassing of gran… I’m rounding out the 30 with a random, slap you in the face – be patient, kind of experience.  The hubby and I like our beer, and there is a store a hop-skip-and-a-jump from home that carries our specialty beers.  I went there tonight and was happy to see my favorite employee of the establishment there.  The first time she ever scanned my hefty beer purchase, she stopped, looked me so seriously in the eye and said, “You look just like Rebecca from Pretty Little Liars.”  It made me laugh…  I started watching that show on Netflix because of this girl.  Ever since that first meeting, we exchange witty banter, talk about the show and just generally exchange a hefty smile.  It’s not often you get to hit it off with a perfect stranger.  So tonight, when I randomly found out she’s waiting on a pancreas transplant, and it will occur in the city I’m moving to… Well, I just had to smile.  Gran showed me this.  She made sure I knew.  I am confident my new friend will be in the city I’m moving to, undergoing a major life changing surgery…. And I will be there for her.

There have been many situations that have shown me to not judge people, don’t get angry or even rude and hasty with strangers.  Who knows what their day was like today.  What are they looking forward to tomorrow?  If I take anything positive away from the past two weeks, it will be to make a concerted effort to be more compassionate and calm.  It’s so easy to get caught up in life.  It’s not an easy one, I don’t care who you are… it’s never easy all the time.  And we are all just the same, going along, wanting to love what we do and who we’re with.  We all face obstacles in our paths…

This brings me to my next personal challenge… 30 Days of Kindness.  I still have a heavy heart, but I’m wholeheartedly looking forward to tomorrow.  “And I ain’t got no worries, cuz I ain’t in no hurry at all…” kindness-random